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Pregnancy: Not so pretty

February 20, 2013

I never looked forward to being pregnant.  As a matter of fact, I lived in fear of it.  But I knew I’d have to power through and recently, I (or we, I guess, if my husband gets credit, although for the last 7 month hasn’t done much to deserve it), pulled the trigger.  I have just one question now that I’m 7 months along and literally counting the hours until this child pops herself right out:
WHERE THE HELL IS THE “PREGNANCY GLOW”?!??!

There is no such thing.  I can assure you, it doesn’t exist.  If by “glow” you mean first being plagued by acne and nausea, mixed in with some rapid weight gain and numbers you’ve never seen your scale hit, topped off with record-breaking gargantuan boobs…then, yes.  I am glowing.  Add that to being nailed in the bladder every 5 minutes and – lucky me – having a child who is literally ON TOP of my cervix, and you have months of fun and games.

There’s nothing pretty about this.  I am thankful that I was able to conceive and am so lucky to be having this lovely little child – but the process getting there?  Not cute.

To add insult to injury, pregnancy seems to give everyone and their mother the right to ask completely inappropriate questions and give fully unsolicited advice about everything under the sun. Some of my favorites:

Questions and comments:

  • “How much weight have you gained?” – Really?  You think I’m going to answer this?  Would you ask me this in a normal, everyday scenario? No.  No you would not.
  • “Can I touch your belly?” – WTF? NO.  Can I touch YOUR effing belly?  Oh wait, you don’t want me feeling your fat?  Well neither do I.  Even worse – when they don’t even ask.  They just go in for the kill.  Lay off.
  • “Do your shoes still fit?” – HUH?
  • “Are you sure you’re not having twins”? – Really?  Yes, I am aware I look huge. I do not need you confirming it by doubting the information my doctor gave me.  GFY.
  • “Are you sure it’s a girl?  Those ultrasounds can be wrooonnnngg you know!” – Oh, sweet!  Thanks for giving me one more thing to worry about.
  • “It’s because you’re pregnant.” – It doesn’t matter what I say.  Whether it’s “I’m hot” or “Yesterday I swear I saw a UFO land in my backyard”, the response is – “It’s because you’re pregnant”.  They like to follow that up with “Just wait, it gets worse”.  Listen, bitches.  Sometimes a girl just sees a UFO.  Or gets hot.  Or can’t sleep.  JUST BECAUSE.  Not everything is attributed to my affliction.  Also, thanks for the vote of confidence. Glad you’re looking forward to the time when I can be even more miserable!

Advice:

  • “It’s very important to not allow your child to watch TV until they are 3 years old.  It’s not good for them”.  – Oh, OK.  Would you like to purchase my television then?  The 60″ one I bought brand new last year?  Are you going to keep me updated on the latest in entertainment, news and fashion since I won’t have the luxury of a television?  Awesome.
  • “Better enjoy your sleep now!” – Wow, thanks.  I had NO CLUE babies don’t sleep!  That is brand new information. This, along with a slew of all the other horrible things that will befall me once baby is born, enrage me.  Why doesn’t anyone ever have something positive to say, like “you will adore having a baby. They are so fun”.  No – I get “Your life is over”, “Go out and travel while you can” and “Kiss sleep goodbye”.  Sweet, thanks for making an already uncomfortable situation worse.

I could go on forever, and I might, in a later post.  I know it’s all worth it in the end (in spite of the above-mentioned misery that will befall me once baby arrives) but really?  Time is standing still.

So yeah. I hate being pregnant.

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