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Hate It: The Mall

November 19, 2009

The Mall (both words capitalized, on purpose, because The Mall deserves it for being larger than…well…just large.) is one of the worst places on earth.  If someone wanted to torture me, all they’d have to do is stick me in a gated Mall parking lot, force me to look for parking, and then lock me inside The actual Mall for hours on end.  I cannot think of a worse fate than being shoved back and forth between pre-teens who think they are baby prostitutes and slow-walking mothers/men/kids/nanas who inexplicably weave back and forth across the aisles, completely blocking your pathway.  (I mean seriously, do you ever notice that?  People are always just stepping directly into the flow of traffic at the most inopportune times, or holding giant communal conversations in the middle of the walkway).

Anyhow, it’s that time of year–people come crawling out of the woodwork perusing The Mall for that perfect gift for friends and family for Christmas.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  The Mall can come in handy for those last minute gifts, or when you need a dress or bathing suit and just have to try it on. (However, I highly recommend staying within the confines of The Department Store in these situations.)  But to stroll the mall for HOURS ON END is simply unnecessary.  It conjures images of young people with huge bangs, snapping their gum with the smell of hairspray wafting behind.

So, what do I do, you ask?  It’s simple.  See that little rectangular glowing thingy I’m patiently typing this blog post out on?  That’s a computer, and if you’re lucky, it’s connected to The Internet.  Internet Shopping haseverything that The Mall doesn’t.  It’s fast.  It’s not crowded.  It allows you to stay seated and shop from anywhere.  No parking required.  No smelly foods wafting, no giant crowds blocking your path, no strange kiosk salesperson shouting and spraying lotion on you against your will.  Just you, the merchandise, and your credit card.

And so, there it is.  I hate The Mall.  I love The Internet.  The Internet > The Mall.  Enough said.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Susan Ella permalink
    November 21, 2009 1:02 am

    I was once that young person w/ huge bangs, snapping my gum w/ the smell of hairspray (Aqua Net, to be specific) wafting behind that you so lovingly referred to. The only mall I can tolerate now is Stanford because at least it’s outdoors so you can breathe in some fresh air if you happen to encounter one of those hairspray-perfumed youngins.

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